Sometimes not knowing is better

At least when you're talking about these. I am convinced we are seeing end times when slapping peanut butter on bread is too much work for us.


And I thought Bagelfuls, precooked eggs and Lunchables were bad.

The latest from our crazy world

Did you know the "latest data and research" shows:

* Liberals are more self-centered than conservatives.
* Conservatives are more generous and charitable than liberals.
* Liberals are more envious and less hardworking than conservatives.
* Conservatives value truth more than liberals, and are less prone to cheating and lying.
* Liberals are more angry than conservatives.
* Conservatives are actually more knowledgeable than liberals.
* Liberals are more dissatisfied and unhappy than conservatives.

It's true. Or at least, it is according to Peter Schweizer's generously titled Makers and Takers: Why conservatives work harder, feel happier, have closer families, take fewer drugs, give more generously, value honesty more, are less materialistic and envious, whine less … and even hug their children more than liberals

Speaking of valuing honesty and whining less, Bill O'Reilly has defended Fox's photoshopping of reporters to make them look subtly (or not so subtly) more menacing. Since The Times has previously run caricatures and illustrations of him (like the one on the right), O'Reilly calls this "the most hypocritical situation we have ever seen." Apparently he can't see the difference between what is clearly an illustration and (in Matt Bors' words) "to manipulate photographs of enemies, make them look ugly and pass them off as real on a 'news' show".

Price of gas got you down? Forget choosing a more efficient vehicle, lobbying for improved public transportation, or driving less. Just... pray. And if that doesn't work, just say "please sir, can we have some more" to Saudi Arabia. From Carfree USA:

The Pray at the Pump Movement, founded by Rocky Twyman, has been holding prayer vigils at gas stations across the country. On Monday, Twyman decided to take his movement from Exxon and Shell stations straight to the steps of the Embassy of Saudi Arabia in Washington, D.C., hoping to encourage the oil-rich country to raise the amount of barrels they release each day from 200,000 to 1.2 million.

And finally, via Wired, a human-like race is going extinct

Orangutan numbers have declined sharply on the only two islands where they still live in the wild and they could become the first great ape species to go extinct if urgent action isn't taken, a new study says.

Of course, animal rights activists, rescue workers and scientists who work tirelessly to prevent such a tragedy probably just whine too much and don't hug their kids enough.

What's New on the Green Scene?

"We have reached a point of planetary emergency," says climatologist James Hansen. It seems the earth is near a tipping point.

Busy doing the most tipping are the richest Canadians, the tar sands, and businesses.

Imagine the whole human family squabbling about whose turn it is to scrub the atmosphere.

So what is a regular Joe or Jane to do?

Well, this summer, you could green your travel, or avoid the whole thing with a staycation.

Or, put your girls to work with a chest charger.

A Mormon Guide to Overcoming Masturbation, or How to avoid Self-Love

Are you concerned about the tussle with your muscle? Fortunately, here's a Mormon guide to Overcoming Masturbation (although to be accurate, it should really be called undercoming).

1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom.

2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company, especially when you are feeling particularly weak.

3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.

4. After you bathe, don't admire yourself in the mirror. Stay in the shower just long enough to clean yourself. Then dry off and GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.

5. When in bed (especially if that is where you masturbate), wear pajamas or other clothes so that you cannot easily touch yourself (and so that it would be difficult to remove those clothes. The time it takes to remove your clothing gives additional time to controll your thinking and overcome the temptation).

6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED! Go into the kitchen and make a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.

7. Never look at pornography on the internet or elsewhere. Never read about your problem (even on sites claiming to be "educational"). Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.

8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books, scriptures, talks of church leaders. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.

9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep it in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for members of your family who need help. Pray for your friends, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVEN IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT OUT of your mind! The attitude of a person toward his problem has an affect on how easy it is to overcome. It is essential that a firm commitment be made to control the habit. As a person understands his reasons for the behavior, and is sensitive to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for the act, he develops the power to control it.

If getting rid of all your horny friends, investing in the most impenetrable pajamas known to man, eating til you weigh a thousand pounds, and fully repressing any and all normal desires haven't stopped you from spanking your monkey, don't despair. You can avoid walking Willie, the one eyed wonder worm, by, um, thinking of worms:

In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act. It sounds goofy, but it actually works!

Once it starts producing the "lifegiving substance", you better keep your hands off your "little factory":

Sometimes a young man does not understand. Perhaps he is encouraged by unwise or unworthy companions to tamper with that factory. He might fondle himself and open that release valve. This you shouldn't do, for if you do that, the little factory will speed up. You will then be tempted again and again to release it. You can quickly be subjected to a habit, one that is not worthy, one that will leave you feeling depressed and feeling guilty. Resist that temptation. Do not be guilty of tampering or playing with this sacred power of creation. Keep it in reserve for the time when it can be righteously employed.

Chicken choking is a gateway. Did you know that jerking your johnson can quickly cause you to catch teh gay?

This habit-forming activity quickly leads to other activities such as viewing pornography and participating in homosexual activities.

Fortunately there are many other ways to protect your dolphin from being flogged. And kids, don't forget to say no to pornaaaaaawgraphy.
Via The Friendly Atheist

John McCain Channeling Dr. Strangelove

A Brave New Films video:

Ugh, although the fact that so many Republicans don't like him sits well with me, I must say McCain gives me the heebie-jeebies.

After insisting that future wars are just around the corner, McCain launched into a creepy riff in which the suffering of our soldiers seemed to leave him almost breathless with anticipation: "We're going to have a lot of PTSD [post traumatic stress disorder] to treat, my friends. We're gonna have a lot of combat wounds that have to do with these terrible explosive IEDs that inflict such severe wounds. And, my friends, it's gonna be tough, we're gonna have a lot to do."

It's a speech that could easily have been delivered by Gen. Buck Turgidson, George C. Scott's war-loving character in Dr. Strangelove. "I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed, but I do say no more than 10 to 20 million killed - tops!"

McCain, like Turgidson, has a disturbing displaced ardor for war. Although he'd be the oldest person ever elected president, he doesn't need Viagra -- he's got Iraq. Call your doctor if your erection lasts longer than four hours -- or your war lasts longer than 100 years. <Huffington Post>

Nothing Like Commemorating a Revolutionary Leader by Slapping his Face on a Bikini

Photo from BBC

... 40 years after his death, Che - born Ernesto Guevara de la Serna - is as much a marketing tool as an international revolutionary icon. Which raises the question of what exactly does the sheer proliferation of his image - the distant gaze, the scraggly beard and the beret adorned with a star - mean in a decidedly capitalist world? <Common Dreams>

Sending Good Vibes for Alabama

I'm thinking of starting a new charity. I think I'll name it Magic Wands for Montgomery. Or maybe
Bunnies for Birmingham.

This is necessary because, sadly for Alabamians, the sale of sex toys has been illegal in Alabama for 9 years (something that is unlikely to change following The United States Supreme Court's recent refusal to hear the case).

An adult-store owner had asked the justices to throw out the law as an unconstitutional intrusion into the privacy of the bedroom. But the Supreme Court declined to hear the appeal, leaving intact a lower court ruling that upheld the law.

Sherri Williams, owner of Pleasures stores in Huntsville and Decatur, said she was disappointed, but plans to sue again on First Amendment free speech grounds.

"My motto has been they are going to have to pry this vibrator from my cold, dead hand. I refuse to give up," she said.

Alabama's anti-obscenity law, enacted in 1998, bans the distribution of "any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs for anything of pecuniary value."

So this is a call to all women to take pity on the women of Alabama, cruelly denied the pleasure of a pocket rocket. Our sisters need us! Send good vibes for Alabama.

Via Boing Boing.

ID/ Creationist Bingo

First, print this card:

Then:

...check off a square every time the relevant dopey argument is presented. You win when you have a straight line of five - horizontally, vertically or diagonally. The "JOKER" square can either be a free square, or you can reserve it for any new ludicrous argument presented (as long as it is presented with total sincerity), or any argument [you've] missed.

From Skeptico via Friendly Athiest

What do you think? Can we play it with John Tory? Ooh, or turn it into a drinking game?

Let Me Just Slip into Something More Comfortable...

Hooray for condom fashions!

Name this Post

Dutch try to grow enviro-friendly meat in lab

Although it is in its early stages, the idea is to replace harvesting meat from livestock with a process that eliminates the need for animal feed, transport, land use and the methane expelled by animals, which all hurt the environment, he said.

The title for this post just writes itself... Unfortunately I can't choose:

1. Eureka! I've discovered meat!
   
2. Petri Pork
   
3. Ham scam
   
4. Mystery meat
   
5. In the flesh
   
6. Free the lab animals! Um. Well... they're not really animals, exactly.
   
7. Mistaken bacon
   
8. Brings new meaning to "going Dutch"
   
9. Fake n Steak
   

Yes, I know it's weird. Just be thankful I didn't post pictures. I could have, you know.

Atkins Gone Wild, or a Vegetarian's Worst Birthday

Welcome to the world of meat cake.

Who knew?

Here's instructions for making a wedding meat cake and a whole gallery of meat cakes.

Almost as good as diet mackerel pudding.

Via Mental Floss.

Perhaps She's Going to Eat Herself

After all, she's wearing a bib and salivating.

Far from horror at seeing her entire back half carved off, the cow feels nothing but delight at being hacked into thick, juicy, ready-to-grill steaks. She is downright giddy—her tongue wiggling in anticipation, her proud napkin waving like a flag.

Found on Suicide Food

Ten out of Ten Bears Prefer Beef Fat to Menstrual Blood

They also prefer to dine on corn and garbage. So women, feel free to go hiking at any time of the month.

The death of two menstruating women attacked by grizzlies in Glacier National Park in 1967 apparently prompted the government to print brochures warning women to avoid bear country during periods of active menstruation.

Although some sites, like this one caution "women may want to avoid the backcountry during their menstrual period", there is little or no reason to be concerned about hiking during menstruation.

The examination of factors surrounding hundreds of grizzly and black bear attacks produced neither evidence that supported a causal relation between human menstruation and attacks nor revealed any published records concerning black bear responses to menstrual blood. The U.S. Forest Service conducted a series of experiments (Rogers et al., 1991) which tested the responses of both male and female black bears to human menstrual odors. The first experiment involved the spin-cast introduction of 15 used tampons (in clusters of 5) to adult male black bears foraging in a garbage dump. Each presentation, therefore, gave the bears a choice between the garbage and tampons. If the bears ate (like they did the garbage), closely sniffed, or rolled on the tampons, then they were considered to have paid attention to the tampons. Of 22 presentations, the bears ignored the used tampons 20 times (twice casual sniffs were observed), effectively preferring the garbage in every instance. In a second experiment, seven bears feeding on piles of corn were offered groups of six used tampons. Six of the bears sniffed the tampons and then returned to their piles of corn. A yearling male tasted one of the tampons, quickly dropped it and returned to the corn.

A third experiment placed four used tampons, an unused tampon, a tampon soaked in non-menstrual human blood, and a tampon containing rendered beef fat in the middle of a heavily traveled bear path with the used tampons interspersed among the others. Ten out of ten bears ate only the tampons soaked in beef fat. In a fourth experiment, women on different days of their period accompanied and contacted bears who were accustomed to human interaction and were known to investigate attractive odors. Eleven encounters involved women wearing tampons and one crazy woman wearing clothing through which her menstrual blood was soaking. Of the twelve encounters with the women, the ten bears did not pay any attention to the lower torsos of the women. Another woman wearing external pads during two of her menstrual cycles hand-fed four female bears and walked within two meters of adult male bears during bear mating season and did not receive any attention. Rogers et al. (1991) concluded that the lack of interest of the bears to menstrual odors does not prove that such odors are never attractive to bears (similar experiments resulted in tampon feasts by polar bears lacking attractive buffets); however, menstrual odors essentially were ignored.

(SOURCE)

More references here, here, and here. Original inspiration from a friend who heard about this on a radio programme on CKLN.

More than you'll ever want to know about menstruation from the Museum of Menstruation.